(Un)True Confessions

Sometimes Mom's conversations are so cogent and so in-the-moment, that I wonder if her dementia went away. But then, it roars back in weird and wonderful ways.

She told me on the phone that she had just spoken with her dear old friend who has been her best friend for over 60 years. Let's call her "BF". BF is the one person alive who shares the most history with my mom, in terms of people and memories and feelings and, probably, secrets. Mom said she had a delightful long call with BF, reminiscing about old times, about their dead husbands who had been business partners, about their dinner parties and travels and their wild partying friends. And then Mom transitioned to a serious voice, saying, "Today, I told BF something that I had never told her. In fact, nobody knows it". With my curiosity piqued, I asked, "What did you tell her?" Mom replied, "I only have one breast". (WHAT?!?) I know for a fact that she has two. It's not a topic that is open for interpretation. She has never had any health issues or any problems with her very healthy and formerly, extremely ample breasts. Now, they are shrunken and shriveled down with the rest of her body. But in complete symmetry. At that point, she was spent, stopped talking and was finished with our conversation. I hung up, puzzled. 

I called BF, who has all of her marbles, and with whom I speak periodically. I asked how the conversation went with Mom. BF gave a similar report - - fun to reminisce, laugh about old times, compare experiences about the paths their lives have taken -- all in all, a lovely, animated chat. Then I asked if Mom had said anything strange. BF replied, "Well, now that you mention it, she did inform me that she only has one breast. All these years, and I've even seen her naked a few times, I never knew that". I told BF it simply is not true. BF jumped back in, "See! I knew I was right not to believe her". So, even Mom's friend of more than half a century also got led down the lane of faux reality. Mom lures us into thinking that she is lucid, but then in a flash, she veers off the road.

Dementia Diary of the Day

July 23, 2015 was a particularly wacky day. I went into her bedroom around 9:00 AM to say good morning and sit by her bedside for a visit.  Mom had been awake most of the night before. When she has not slept well, she often is confused the next day.  Boy, was she ever "confused". The things she said were so random, so vivid, so weird, and came out so rapid-fire, that I grabbed my iPad and started transcribing.

"Barbara, watch out!  A rat just jumped into your coffee".

"These apples are not very good". 

"See that shower cap over there?" (There was no shower cap anywhere nearby). "I want to put it on my head". 

"Is Dick coming to the party tonight?" (I don't think I know anybody named Dick that she knows. I asked her who Dick is). "Don't you remember? He was here last night". 

"Barbara, has anyone ever turned over when they sit in one of your red chairs?"

"This is a handmade table from a well known furniture maker. David keeps his chairs in the attic over his garage". 

"Well, I had an experience this morning for being punished for an adult action. I decided that my husband's behavior was less than sterile so I asked Richard to come but I forgot my husband wasn't sick or dying. But my husband did not forget it". 

"I gotta get my feet off the floor. They are glued to the floor". (Actually, her feet were in bed, under the covers, with the rest of her).

"If you knew what determination it took for me to get out of the recliner this morning, you wouldn't believe it". (She had not sat in the recliner for days). "The door opened and a female voice was there. Thank god it was Little Annie". (There is nobody named Little Annie in her life).

Mom pulled the edge of the blanket up to her lips and began to chew on it.  We asked her why she's putting the blanket in her mouth.  "So I can get into it faster". 

"What should I do? Jump out of a window? But I live on the first floor" I asked why she wants to jump out of the window. Her answer:  "I have lived too long".

"If somebody asks about me just say 'Kick the old goat off a hill'". 

She then turned her head toward the vacant space in front of her and took on a stance like she was deeply engaged in a conversation, "Jim, is your mother still alive?" She paused to await a response. A few moments passed, and I asked who Jim is. "Barbara, don't ask me again about Jim or I'll clock you". 

"Alex, go clean up the kitchen floor".  (Actually Alex was in the room, but actually the kitchen was spotless as usual).  Alex said, "Grandma, the floor is clean". He threw in "I already swept it". Mom said, "Well then, pretend you are David and clean up the kitchen". 

"When are they going to take those things off the piano?" (She does not have a piano, nor has she had one in her home for over 50 years). "When the guy comes, have him take them away.  Don't be so pessimistic about it".

"Don't put any more pepper on everything".

"Who ironed your shirt? They do a nice job". 

"I don't know an Irving from a swerving". 

"Please give the cabbage to the pigs". 

"If I get down flat on my back and mama wants to see me, she can see me better. I don't want her to hurt herself because I love her". She puckered up her lips and blew a gentle kiss in the air to her mama. (That was a particularly sweet departure from the unpleasant memories she has evoked about her mama).

"There is a burly black man leaning over me and I don't want to pick all those fleas out of his beard anymore".

The final one I recorded before I put my iPad away: "How can you eliminate vitamin C?"